Red Dwarf Uprising
by Blackadder VII
Summary: The Boyz from the Dwarf discover a Earth colony that has been overun by the Empire of the Blood. A hoard of genetically mutanted humans that drink human blood for sustaintance. Can the Boyz topple this evil empire or will they be tonights dinner?
1. Chapter 1

**Red Dwarf Uprising**

**Story Description: The Boyz for the Dwarf discover a Earth colony that has been overun by the Empire of the Blood. A hoard of genetically mutanted humans that drink human blood for sustaintance. Can the Boyz topple this evil empire or will they be tonights dinner. Please review.**

**This story is set in Series 7 inbetween Episode 1 Tikka to Ride and Episode 2 Stoke Me A Clipper.**

**Please Review!**

Prologue

Sally stared up at Earth-45 crimson sky with its blood red sun in despair. It had been like that for thousands of years ever since Earth- 45 colony had first settled in this part of the galaxy. The sky was one of the few things that Sally had left in the world. Her family were either dead or enslaved her home and belongings destroyed.

Even Sally's dog Pongo had left her choosing to join the enemy than Sally in defeat and death. Sally staggered down a deserted and decaying back street of Megalopolis in a daze, without hope. The age of humanity had ended the remnants of their galactic empire in ruins across the stars.

Humanity was now a rotting apple with all their hopes and dreams put out to dry in the red sun. What humanity needed now was a hero, somebody to stand up to their overlords but they had all buggered off leaving the humans to their fate.

Speaking of fate thought Sally.M as she saw three blurred shapes drop out of the sky. They graceful landed in front of Sally blocking her way forward. They were humanoid, two males one female.

The two big pale faced blokes were wearing jet black suits while the beautiful brunette woman was wearing a women business suit with red high heels. The newcomers smiled and looked Sally.M over with a childlike amusement. At her undernourished body that was nothing but skin and bones that was barely covered up by green rags.

"Well, well, well you thought you could escape the justice of the Empire of the Blood. I have to admit it was rather clever escape plan but you made the mistake of replying too much on your human friends. They sold you out right away after a little persuasion from us" mused the beautiful pale women.

Sally noticed that the Women seemed to be the boss because the two men took their lead from her.

That was the last reasonable thought that went through Sally. M's mind as the sharp tendrils of fear started to take hold. The fear of being taken back to the Milking Compound where the guards daily drained the humans of their blood for the Empires consumption. That hub of despair where newly born babies eaten alive as well as brutal whippings and brandings by the guards. Ignoring their humanity and treating them like cattle.

Sally went to run but the Women's two hench men with inhuman speed grabbed a arm each holding her in place. The henchmen bent Sally's arms in a painful angle forcing her to her knees in front of the Women who was going to be her judge, jury and executioner. The woman was one of the most feared leaders in the Empire because it was her job to hunt down the Empress's enemies. Lady Spektor smiled a savage and evil grin in anticipation at what she was going to this little woman who had thought to defy the Empire.

"Sally. M I find you guilty of crimes against the Empire of the Blood. You sentence is death, any last words"

A last flare of defiance went through Sally at the moment of her death.

"You may kill me but humans much stronger than me will rise up and destroy you" screamed the defiant Sally.

Spektor and her henchmen chuckled at Sally's words.

"You are really are deluded if you think that. There's nothing in the universe strong enough to take on the Empire. Goodbye Sally" smirked Spektor

Sally screamed and tried for all she was worth to escape but the henchmen had her in a grip of iron. There was no escape from what fate had awarded to her. Lady Spektor leaned down and whispered in Sally's ear.

"This is going to hurt a lot"

Lady Spektor opened her mouth to reveal a set if fangs and without hesitation bit into Sally's neck. Sally let out a high pitch scream that echoed around the street making it seem like a hundred Sally's were screaming.

This didn't stop Lady Spektor from supping at her blood. Draining Sally til naught but a husk remained.

XXXX

Three million years out into deep in a JMC transport ship Starbug the last human in existence woke up with a cry all covered in sweat. Dave Lister had a bad dream.


	2. Chapter 2

**Red Dwarf Uprising Chapter 01**

**Thanks to Andy0001z for the review. **

**Sorry if I hurt or upset anyone with the prologue I need to get your attention. This chapter gets a bit lighter.**

Chapter 01 Left at the Black Hole

Lister's cry attracted Kryten into his room.

"Mr. Lister is anything the matter? Last time I heard you cry out like that you'd fallen asleep while smoking and the flames burned through your long johns" asked Kryten.

Lister sat up in his bunk and shook his head gathering his thoughts.

"Don't remind me Kryten I still can't get the smell of burned fabric and singed pubic hair out of my nostrils. I just had a bad dream nothing to get your wires in a knot for" explained Lister.

It was then that Arnold Rimmer walked into Lister sleeping quarters. His nostrils flare and a weasely smile across his face.

"Ah Listy what are you doing up so early. This hasn't happened since the great Pubic hair fire of last year" smirked Rimmer.

"Yeah well I remember the great bed wetting incident of three million years ago. When you drank too much water, had a nightmare and wet your kecks" exposed Lister.

"Smeg off dog breath least I don't cry to Kryten every time I have a bad dream" replied Rimmer.

"Nah you go cry to Rachael your inflatable girlfriend. Anyway it was a pretty freaky dream. More freaky than a girl with webbed feet and eleven toes" shuddered Lister.

"What was it sir" said Kryten.

Cutting off Rimmer before he could come up with a retort.

"A world where I was an evil dictator who built an empire on the blood of innocents. I also was a terrible guitar player" described Lister.

"That doesn't sound strange you're a terrible guitar player in this world too" smirked Rimmer.

It was there the Cat entered the room looking surprised at the crowd in Lister sleeping quarters. He was wearing a blue suit with a black collared shirt and black heeled boots.

"What's the all this racket about I can't concentrate on my piloting and that's my fourth favourite thing" asked the Cat?

"Then who's piloting the ship you silly moggy" demanded Rimmer.

"Keep your H on Goal Post Head I pressed the blue autopilot button" said the Cat.

"But the autopilot button is green" commented Lister.

The crew all stared at each other for a minute they reacted to the news that there ship was drifting out of control.

They all sprinted out of the room, Lister stopping to pull on his boiler suit and his leather vest hiding his lily white long johns. Lister there chased after his crew and arrived in Starbugs cockpit a minute after the rest of them. The Cat, Rimmer and Kryten were sat in there usually places so Lister took his seat in the co-pilot chair.

"What I'd miss" asked Lister.

"We're drifted into the vicinity of a black hole. It's sucking us up faster than Charlie Sheen's first cigarette of the day" explained Kryten.

"Any chance of using reheat to thrust our way out of the black hole's path" asked Lister.

Rimmer looked up from Starbugs radar and the other gauges to answer Listers question.

"No chances our thrusters don't have enough power to out run a Winnebago let alone this black hole".

The Cat was trying with all his might to move Starbugs steering wheel so he could turn the ship around but to no avail. The ship was stuck on a direct course towards the eye of the black hole.

"Why don't we use the Hyperdrive" asked the Cat.

"A superb suggestion sir with only three major flaws. One we don't have a hyper drive, two a hyper drive wouldn't help us escape the suction of a black hole and three Hyperdrives only exist in science fiction" Kryten remonstrated.

"Then what do we do bud, we're deader than flares and platform shoes" said the Cat.

"There's nothing we can do but hope the other end of that black hole won't kill us" said Kryten.

"Maybe if we engage the Time Drive we can teleport to a time where this black hole doesn't exist" suggested Lister.

"A sound suggestion sir but it will be touch and go. The suction from the black hole can interferes with such devices" complained Kryten.

"Who cares Commander U-bend just engage the Time Drive" screamed Rimmer starting to panic!

Kryten nodded, ever since there last misadventure with the Time Drive they had installed it in the Starbug's drive system. The Boys hadn't used it in fear of becoming like the evil future selves but this was an emergency. Kryten looked down at his console and started typing furiously.

"KRYTEN get your metal ass into gear! Time is running out faster than Rimmer when it comes to split the cheque" screamed Lister.

The Starbugs had almost reached the black holes horizon and Rimmer had wet his pants. Kryten press a button and the Starbugs was enveloped in blue light.


	3. Chapter 3

**Red Dwarf Uprising Chapter 02**

Chapter 02 Oh what a Big One!

Starbug reappeared with a flash of blue light two million years in the past. An intense blood red light engulfed the cockpit of the JMC transport vessel causing all inside to shield their eyes.

"What on Io is that Kryten, this light is than being stuck behind a fat guy in a thong who's bent over to pick up some change" complained Rimmer.

"Don't worry sir I will try tinting the front window to cut off the excess flow of light in the cockpit" said Kryten.

He was frantically mucking around with the window settings trying to get the right tint it made matters worse that his electronic iris's had gone blind.

"Hurry up bud the blood red is clashing with my baby blue suit" screeched the Cat!

Kryten final found the right tint which filtered out the intense sunlight and the rest of the crew sighed in relief.

"Smirked mode, there we go sir's I used Starbugs auto windshield tint to sever the intense light flow. According to the read out we are a quarter of a light from a Red Dwarf sun" smirked Kryten

The Cat, Lister and Rimmer stared in wonder at the surface the over bloated sphere that was a Red Dwarf Star that could have fit five hundred fifty Earth and a MacDonald's.

"A quarter of a light year, we should have burned up and died like Paris Hilton music career" said Rimmer in surprise.

"True sir but Starbug sensors indicate that this sun has Sun Satellites that are shield us from 95% of the heat" replied Kryten.

"I mightn't be the sharpest tool in the shed -" Lister began.

"Seconded" Rimmer muttered

"- But I don't think I have ever heard of Sun Satellite's" asked Lister.

"They had just finished the project when I left the solar system. Sun Satellites are artificial satellites that manipulate suns through the use of gravity shields and bursts of electro-magnetic pulses. In this case these Satellites are being used to stop the sun from expanding and going supernova while nullifying the sun's gravitational pull" explained Kryten.

"I hate to break it to you but Ice Cube head but you made as much sense as a Japanese VCR instruction Manuel" said the Cat.

"Someone must have put those Satellites up for a reason. Rimmer does a scan for any nearby planetary bodies" asked Lister.

Rimmer bent over his control panel and his face lit up.

"Yes there's a planet the size of King Kong's first dump of the day in quadrant 4" Rimmer interpreted from the many sensor panels in front of him.

The Cat and Lister followed Rimmer's coordinates to an Earth size planet a couple of clicks away from the sun.

"I've logged onto what passes for a network in this system. All I've managed to get form the stupid thing is that this planet is an Earth Colony designated Earth-45. It was first settled in the 42nd century and used mostly for mining" read Kryten.

"Is that it? No fashion catalogues, Facebook or Swedish porn" asked the Cat?

"Yes that's all the data I've been able to gather. Either the network has decayed with age or someone's spilled coke on the servos" Kryten explained.

"Smeg that Network is about as reliable as Wikipedia" complained Lister.

"Judging by the facts I would say that any civilisation on Earth-45 died out long ago. Although the artificial ozone is interfering with the Navi-Com so I am unable to say if there are any people left on the Earth" said Kryten.

Lister looked down at the small Navi screen in front of him and looked up.

"According to the Navi Com Earth-45 has one major city in the northern hemisphere. I think we should check it out there, might be something to pillage down there" said Lister.

We have no idea what destroyed this civilisation or what is down there. For all we know Earth-45 could be home to the Devil and all his fiendish creations. Looking torture, rape and murder any stupid slob that crosses their path. It's the equivalent of sticking your wedding tackle in a lion's mouth and whip his love spuds with a wet towel. I vote we escape the black hole projected suction path in the past and engage the Time Drive for our present" demanded Rimmer.

"But Mr. Rimmer aren't you a little bit curious about what would cause Human Civilisation to collapse? What caused your species to go extinct" asked Kryten?

"That's no mystery, archaeologists from the future probably discovered Lister old apartment and accidently stumbled across Pandora's Box. The only thing powerful enough to destroy thousands of years of human progress Lister's dirty clothes hamper left there to rot for a thousand years" smirked Rimmer.

"Ok let's have a vote then, I vote we go down to the planet and explore. We need to stock up on supplies. We're down to our last 130 curries and I doubt it will last the week" said Lister.

"I agree with Goalpost Head but I'm voting with monkey boy. Orange flares will come into fashion before I agree with Nostrildamus" voted the Cat.

"Sorry Mr. Rimmer sir I have to vote Mr. Lister. He is the commanding human plus I am rather curious about the fate of Earth-45" voted Kryten.

"Fine there be it on your own heads, Kryten go to blue alert" demanded Rimmer.

Kryten flicked a switch and a blue sign which said alert flicked on above Kryten's head.

The Cat flew Starbug towards Earth-45's only city while a bad feeling grew inside Lister's. He had a feeling something bad was going to happen, Lister didn't know how right he was.


	4. Chapter 4

**Red Dwarf Uprising Chapter 03**

**This is my longest chapter ever also I think my best so enjoy.**

**Any Praise's, criticisms or comment would be greatly appreciated.**

**Please Review.**

Chapter 03 Dead Beat

Finding a place to land was easy, Earth-45's only city Megalopolis had dozens of withering parks and desert, crumbling courtyards to use as landing pads. The Cat under Krytens direction landed on top of a multistorey Car park on the edge of the city.

"I have dibs on driving the SUV" screamed Lister!

Lister ripped off his seatbelt and bolted out of the cockpit.

"He's such a child" said Rimmer shaking his head.

He too tore out of the cockpit after Lister yelling.

"Lister I found it first, I've already bagged it"!

A big toothy grin appeared on the Cat's face and ran after the pair yelling.

"I've got shotgun"

Kryten rolled his eyes and slowly walked after the rest of his friends. The SUV hover car had appeared in Starbugs cargo bay after the crews encounter with their future self's. It is a highly advanced, heavy armoured all terrain vehicle and looked like a early 21st century SUV but without any wheels. Lister and Rimmer had been dying to try it out, and the roads of Earth-45 gave them that chance.

When Kryten arrived at the Cargo bay Lister had the driver's seat, the Cat had shotgun and Arnold Rimmer was sulking in the back.

"It because I'm dead isn't it, you livey's hate us deadeys" grumbled Rimmer.

Lister snorted.

"That's your excuse for everything. Face facts Rimmer, you suck at scissors, paper, rock" said Lister.

"Is it my fault I have as much luck as a builder who walks under a ladder who then trips and smashes a mirror on Friday the 13th" complained Rimmer.

"Like I'm any luckier, I'm the last human in existence who's trapped three millions years out in deep space who hasn't got laid in three ice age's" replied Lister.

"Yeah but you get to drive the SVU first" grumbled Rimmer.

"True" Lister smirked.

"Hurry up novelty condom head I want to feel the wind in my hair" the Cat screeched impatiently.

"Coming sir" said Kryten.

He grabbed his handheld Sci-scan unit and made his way to the SUV

Kryten got in the right hand door behind the Lister and buckled his seatbelt before he activated a garage door remote to open the Cargo bay doors. With a slight shudder the doors opened in front of the SUV.

"Seatbelt on sirs" asked Kryten?

"Check" said the rest of the crew.

"Keys in the ignition" asked Kryten?

"Check" said Lister.

"Start the ignition in your own time" said Rimmer.

"Turning the key now" said Lister.

The SUV started up with a soft purr and the SUV lifted a metre into the air. Lister then released the handbrake, changed gears from park to drive and put his foot down on the pedal.

The SUV zoomed out of Starbugs cargo bay and onto the top floor of the multistorey car park and down to the bottom in under a minute.

"Brutal man, completely and utterly brutal" said Lister.

"You're not the reincarnation of Michael Schumacher try using the invention you may have heard called the foot break" screamed Rimmer looking a bit green.

"What like this" Lister offered.

At the empty bottom of the car park Lister hit both the foot brake and the accelerator with his feet and spun the wheel left to perform a perfect burn out. This caused Rimmer's face to bypass green and go straight to purple.

"Wow wee this is like the teacup ride in the Disneyworld simulation on the V.R Simulator. Except without all the fat kids throwing up" screeched the Cat!

Lister stopped the spin and turned into the street and sped down it at 100 miles per hour.

"Sir if you head for the Planetary Network Tower we might be able to savage some information on this civilisation. Incidentally the Sci-scan also mentions that there are the ruins of an Indian Curry place right next door. Readings suggest a small supply de-oxidated curries still remained" stated Kryten reading from his machine.

"Nice one Kryten setting course for Planetary Network Tower" said Lister.

"Ah sir it's in the other direction" directed Kryten.

Lister put his foot down on the brake bring the SUV to a immediate causing the Cat who had his head stuck out the window to almost fall out of the SUV. Lister reversed and turned around in the other direction, down a deserted street onto a crumbling highway, which stretched through the centre of Megalopolis.

"Kryten is the Sci-scan picking up any life signs "asked a purple Rimmer.

"Not especially Mr. Rimmer the ions in the artificial atmosphere are interfering with the Sci-scan, like a nude streaker running through a live football match. It's making impossible to make out any life readings" explained Kryten.

Rimmer looked like he was going to give an angry retort when his face turned especially purple and he managed to blurt out.

"Lister pull over I want be sick"

Lister oblige by violently pulling off the highway and into a dark backstreet where he stopped and Rimmer ran out behind a rusting dumpster. Holograms couldn't be sick as such but Rimmer indulged in some dry wrenching.

Behind the dumpster Rimmer stood over a pile of rags which to his shock slim head and limbs and turned into a man. The undernourished man in front of Arnold Rimmer had been curled in a ball asleep until he'd been woken by Rimmer's arrival. Rimmer a light girly scream and fell back which attracted his crewmates to come over and investigate.

"What now Goalpost head did you piss yourself at the sight of your own shadow again" asked the Cat?

"No you stupid cat, Peggy's great grandson jumped me when I wasn't looking" Rimmer retorted back angrily.

Lister saw the thin man in rags next and jumped about a metre.

"Smeg who's he the dog's dinner" asked Lister.

Kryten and the Cat acted similarly to the sight of the man.

"Bud if I was you, I'd go out and buy a suit, it might make you feel better" the Cat told the raggedy man.

"I doubt that you silly moggy the man's so thin anyone who touches him get a paper cut" Rimmer smirked.

"Interesting according to the Sci-scan this man has had his blood drained recently" remarked Kryten.

The thin skeleton man got up from the ground and managed to croak.

"Who are you"?

"I am Commander A.J Rimmer Space Adventurer and these are my sidekicks. The one who smells like latrines is Kryten, the idiot, is the Cat and the man who looks like he has relatives in London Zoo is Lister" proclaimed Rimmer put on a pose.

"That's the biggest load of Smeg I've heard in my life. You Rimmer could never be a Commander. You've got a yellow streak longer than the M1" accused Lister.

"What should I have said instead, I'm A.J Rimmer soup machine repairman? It doesn't exactly inspire a lot of confidence" retorted Rimmer.

The thin raggedy man managed to interrupt the heat exchange by croaking.

"Whoever you are you must flee for your lives before there not worth living"

Every one of them went silent infected by the raggedy man's evident fear.

"My life wouldn't be worth living if I was dressed like you bud" commented the Cat.

"Don't you understand the Empire will find you? They have ruled this planet for more than a million years" the raggedy man preached.

"I knew it was a bad idea to land on this planet. Now we're going to get attack by a gothic rock band" said Rimmer fear in his eyes.

There was a loud whistling sound overhead of them and they all stared up only to see a crimson sky.

"That's them there here" croaked the raggedy man.

"Who's here, Batman" asked Lister?

There was tap of shoes and three figures landed on the concrete behind them. Lister, the Cat, Rimmer and Kryten could believe there eye. Three people had been flying were out any form of wing or propulsion unit. There was one pale faced woman in black business attire with matching skirt. Flanked by two heavy set males with matching pale faces and business suits with aviator sunglasses the women gave a short sniff of the air before pronouncing in a rich accented voice.

"Derek .K you have been on our list for a while" the women said to the raggedy man.

On noticing Lister, Kryten, the Cat and Rimmer she added

"But who are you friends here, there not on my list"

Everyone stood still and shook with unexplainable fear until Lister broke the silence.

"Who are these Smeggers"?

With a sudden burst of sudden movement which took the women a second to cover fifty metres and stood an inch away from Lister. Lister and the rest of his crewmates jumped back in surprise.

"How dare you talk me like that, do you know who I am" asked the women.

"The lead singer in a band Gothic office band" Lister replied hopefully.

"No scum I am Lady Spektor Chief Magistrate of the Empire and the sentence for defiling an Immortal is castration" declared Lady Spektor.

"That doesn't scare us" Kryten said boldly.

"Yes it does" screamed Lister, the Cat and Rimmer together!

"Mr. Derek are these the Empire people you were so afraid of" asked Kryten?

They looked for Derek K to realised he'd scarpered and left the rest of them to carry the can.

"I think under the circumstances we should make a tactical retreat" Kryten advised.

"There's no need to tell me twice just follow the Rimmer shaped blur" Rimmer retorted.

All four of them sprinted for the SUV leaving behind the three scary Immortals.

"Should we follow them" asked one of Lady Spektor's goons?

"Let's give them a head start, the thrill is in the chase never in the capture. Don't worry my brother's we'll feast soon" said Lady Spektor.


	5. Chapter 5

**Red Dwarf Uprising Chapter 04**

**Thank you Andy0001z again I hope you and many others enjoy this Chapter.**

**There will be many others to come.**

Chapter 04 Run Rabbit, Run.

Lister immediately stuck the SUV in reverse and got the vehicle back onto the highway. There Lister really put his foot down going at the SUV's top speed of 505km an hour down the straight highway. While the Cat Kryten and Rimmer looked wildly through the plexi glass windows for the frighting Immortals.

Rimmer was the first to sit back and sigh with relief.

"Ha so much for them I was expecting a long and dangerous chase, involving a lot of dangerous car stunts instead I get an easy bus ride. It's like jumping out of a plane without a parachute and landing safely in a spa bath in the Playboy Mansion" Rimmer smirked.

"I think Goalpost head might be right for a change. Those Immortal guys looked really bad ass back there; I expect them to chase after us. It's what usually happens across big scary monsters and Lister's wife" said the Cat.

Lister patted the SUV's dashboard and smiled.

"It's probably cause we are going too fast. I doubt that Lady Spektor and her goons can fly as fast as this baby" commented Lister.

While the others relaxed Kryten was look straight up through the SUV's sunroof at the sky above.

"Ah Sirs I hate to burst your bubble but I think we're being followed" said Kryten pointing up.

Rimmer followed Kryten's index finger and saw two dark shapes flying a mile above them keeping pace with the SUV.

"We're going to die" screamed Rimmer!

"Calm down Rimmer man, the SUV is made out of Dwarf Star steel. It can survive a barrage of bazookoid fire let alone these Smeggers" said Lister.

Suddenly a dark shape appeared out of nowhere, jumped on the bonnet of the speeding SUV, ripped off the roof of the car and threw it to the side of the road. Everyone in the car screamed and Lister thinking fast put his foot on the brakes. Causing everyone in the SUV to jerk forward only to be caught by their seat belts while the Immortal (one of Lady Spektors goons) on the bonnet who didn't have a seat belt flew forward and smashed into the concrete road, breaking it to pieces. Lister then put his foot back onto the accelerator and drove over the Immortal and accreted back to 505km an hour. An icy cold breeze invaded the inside of the SUV causing everyone in the cabin to shiver and the vehicle wobble slightly from its shave.

Rimmer and Kryten looked through the back window and to their amazement the Immortal goon just got up and dusted himself off before launching himself back into the air.

"We're going to die" Rimmer screamed again!

"Yo Kryten does this hunk of metal have any weapons" asked the Cat.

"No the SUV isn't armed with any kind of weapon" answered Kryten.

"Then what do these red buttons on the passage side dash board do? I have been absolutely dying to press them" the Cat asked.

The Cat's went to press one as Kryten warned.

"Don't touch it, that button ejects the backseat"

But too late the Cat's index finger hit the left red button causing the backseat to rocket out of the SUV. The Cat and Lister managed to hear Rimmer scream.

"We're going to die"

The backseat on the pinnacle of its trajectory was grabbed by one of the Immortals and flown away.

Lister shook his head keep his eyes still on the road.

"Oh great we're a real Mickey Mouse organisation. Cat what have I told you about pressing buttons. The last time you messed with buttons I got turned into a chicken" said Lister.

"Well it's not like it's a great loss, maybe Rimmer will give them interjection" commented the Cat.

"Now we have to go rescue them from a bunch of bloodthirsty monster" complained Lister.

"What you mean 'we'? I'm not sticking my head out for molecule mind and mutant ice cube head" said the Cat.

Before Lister could argue the point both the front door were wrenched off by Lady Spektor on the driver's side and the other one of her goons on the Cats side. Lister and the Cat were yanked out of the SUV by the scruff of the neck. Leaving the SUV to go wildly out of control and crash into the side of the highway, Lister was dropped on his arse by Lady Spektor on the hard concrete of the highway, a hundred metres behind the crashed SUV. While the Cat was still being held up by scruff of the neck by the black suited goon.

"Let me go you oversized gorilla you're wrecking my suit" demanded the Cat.

The goon just took off his sunglasses and gave the Cat a cold alien stare which quickly quieted the Cat. The group was joined the second goon who flew down with Kryten and Rimmer also being held the Immortal by the scruff of the neck. The Goon stopped a few metres off the ground leaving Rimmer and Kryten hanging.

Rimmer shaking with fear managed to blurt out.

"Ah excuse me your highnesses but I want to point out to you Space Corp Directive 1667.89" said Rimmer.

"Mr. Rimmer I hardly think that appropriate at this time. I doubt Lady Spektors going to invite us to a fondue party" commented Kryten.

"I meant the directive where members of the Space Corp only have to give their name and rank to people when captured by enemy powers you Rubber Headed Eunuch" retorted Rimmer!

"Oh you mean Space Corp Directive 1567.89" Kryten informed the irate Rimmer.

"No I mean we should all turn into brown bears and all dance the Charleston, of course I mean Space Corp Directive 1567.89. Now you made me look like a completely idiot in front of these raving psychopath's" shouted Rimmer.

On remembering that he was being held a couple of metre off the by one of these raving psychopath's Rimmer quickly added.

"No offence"!

During this exchange Lady Spektor was burning holes into Lister's face with her blue beautiful eyes.

"Silence you fool" ordered Lady Spektor turning to Rimmer!

Causing Rimmers eyes almost flew out of his skull and his pants fill up with a smelly yellow liquid.

Turning her dark glare back on Dave Lister, Lady Spektor demanded

"Who are you? You are not part of the usual scum that inhabit the surface. You smell 100% human".

The Lady Spektors suited goons sniffed the air in Listers direction and nodded in agreement.

"Well it may surprise you lot but I am human" said Lister.

"This one doesn't smell human, he smells like some sort of Cat" commented the Goon holding the Cat.

"That's Mr. Cat to you buddy" said the Cat defiantly.

He was rewarded by another death stare from his captor.

"These ones are strange too" commented the goon holding Kryten and Rimmer.

"I think these scum are worth taking down to the Underworld to meet our glorious Empress" Lady Spektor told her goons.

"Glorious that's a funny name for an Empress" commented the Cat.


	6. Chapter 6

**Red Dwarf Uprising Chapter 05**

**Sorry for the long wait been a bit busy, beware this chapter gets a bit R rated.**

Chapter 05 Welcome to Hell

The Underworld was literally miles under the Megalopolis, as Lady Spektor led her prisoners down a dark stairway that seemed too led to the core of the planet. They had left the surface two hours ago making their way through a sewage duct around a maze of corridors to the said stairs.

They were walking in single file, Lady Spektor in the front, the prisoners in the middle and Spektor's two goons bringing up the rear. There was enough space in between the prisoners and their captors for the prisoners to speak freely.

"Who are these people, Morlocks" Lister asked?

"I didn't know you read "The Time Machine" Kryten said in surprise.

"You know me Kryties I'm a man of the world" said Lister.

"Wow bud I didn't know you read a book with actually pages and chapters that's amazing" exclaimed the Cat!

"Well actually I had to read the book for school but so I did what everyone else did and watched the movie instead" admitted Lister.

This chatter was more than Rimmer could stand at the moment and he yelled at his crewmates.

"Would you gimboids please shut your cake holes" screeched Rimmer.

"What's got your knickers in a knot Goalpost Head" asked the Cat.

"Maybe it's because we're been taken to a monster lair where we'll be eaten alive" screeched Rimmer!

"I doubt that will happen sir, it's more than likely and will be eaten alive. While you and I being technology based lifeforms will just be destroyed" explained Kryten.

"Oh that's great just being destroyed, that's very reassuring. That's about as reassuring as a movie by Rob Zombie" mocked Rimmer.

"What you complaining about Rimmer? I'm about to be eaten alive by Empress of all Emos and you babbling about being destroyed. Your hard light drive is tougher than Chuck Norris with a Mini Nuke Launcher. I mean its practical indestructible" said Lister.

"I'll still have to watch you die. I doubt my nerves could stand it" said Rimmer.

"YOU'RE NERVES! What about my body I doubt it can stand being pulled apart and eaten. You really are a cowardly Smeg Head" growled Lister.

"Sir's this bickering is getting us nowhere. We have no prove that these people will kill us and eat us" said Kryten calmly.

Ironically the four crew mates then heard a loud bloodcurdling scream that came from the bottom of the dark stairs. It chilled each of them to the very bone.

"If they're not going to eat us then what was that Mr. U-bend Dawkins? Did someone just step in a blob of Ice Cream" asked Rimmer mockingly?

"Either that or someone seen what you Lord Arch Nostrils is wearing. That's enough to make anyone scream" commented the Cat.

The group reached the bottom of the long stairway to a solid oak door cut into the rock. "Welcome to the Underworld home of the damned" was placed above the door in big neon red letters. There was even a big bald headed bouncer standing guard at the entry.

"Heh that's not too bad I was expecting more fire and brimstone. This reminds me of some of the nightclubs in back in Liverpool" commented Lister.

"Quiet vermin" ordered Lady Spektor!

"Wow bud she knows you already" whispered the Cat to Lister.

Lady Spektor opened the door to reveal a picture of hell. The Underworld was a big as a theatre hall with red walls and a bar. The place was packed with Immortal's of all shapes and sizes each one of them wearing black and red robes.

But that's not what scared Lister, Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat. It was the skinless man strung up in the centre of the room. The Immortals were treating it like a fondue party but instead of chocolate or cheese they were drinking the blood of the skinless man. Somehow the mortals had skinned the man so that only is muscular system was showing. They had been gathering the man's dripping blood in a punch bowl strategically placed underneath the skinless man.

One Immortal, a skinny pale man with a creepy smile bent down and ripped off a leg and lifted it to his mouth and started chewing it like a chicken bone. There was a slight groan from the skinless man and the Boys from the Dwarf realized the man was still alive. On the side of the club a man behind the bar a seedy bartender was serving out pints of red blood to paying customers.

"Please down say that they did that in Liverpool" screeched the Cat pointing to the skinless man!

"Smeg no I haven't seen something so sick and twisted since Justin Bieber movie" yelled Lister.

"These creatures must gain sustenance from devouring human blood and flesh" stated Kryten.

"Really Kryten thanks for pointing it out to us; I thought these guys were feasting on scones and carrot juice" said Rimmer.

Rimmer was just holding it together, not know whether to pee his pant, dry wretch or just crawl up into a ball.

Lady Spektor and her goons just smiled and shoved the four scared and shocked crewmates into the Underworld.


	7. Chapter 7

**Red Dwarf Uprising Chapter 06**

**Please if you have any comments, criticism or praise please review**

Chapter 06 Into the Lion's den

Lister, Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat were herded into the Underworld and the crowd of bloodthirsty immortal parted to let them through. Lister noticed that Lady Spektor and her goons were there to protect them more than guard them. Members of the crowd tried to reach in and grab the frighten crew but there Immortal guardians fended off their roving hands. Lister walked next to Kryten and whispered to him.

"Hi Kryten do you still have the sci scan"?

"Yes sir" whispered Kryten

He showed the device still clenched in his mechanical hand.

"Any info on how we can beat these bloodthirsty Goths. Do have to stab them in the heart with wooden stakes or just kick'em in the balls" asked Lister?

"Neither sir the Sci scan hasn't been able to make head nor tail of their DNA, it seems that these Immortal are the product of genetic engineering. I need more time to analyse the DNA before I can discover an inherent weakness" said Kryten.

"Hurry Kryten because right now me and the Cat are currently the last kebab in the shop" whispered Lister frantically.

At the back wall of the Underworld was a throne covered in darkness. Lady Spektor forces the four crew mates to three meters in front of the throne in a line.

The crowd of Immortals behind the crew mates kept a respectable distance from the throne as if afraid of what was on it. Lady Spektor then bowed deeply to the thrown

"My Empress I requested an audience with you" requested Spektor silkily.

A squeaky voice spoke out from the darkness like a thirteen year old boy whose balls had just dropped.

"Who dares speak to the Empress of the Blood?"

"It is I your loyal servant Lady Spektor. I wish to bring to your attention something of importance" Spektor replied.

"So be it" said the voice.

As if by magic a pair of fluorescent lights turned on to reveal the Immortal occupying the throne. The Empress wore a black dress but that was the only thing feminine about. The Empress was actually a small lackey man with a beard who was just as pale as the rest of them. The man in a dress looked so ridiculous and so harmless that the crew couldn't help themselves, they started laughing. Even Rimmer who was scared out of his mind couldn't help but laugh.

"How dare you laugh at the all powerful Empress of the Blood" screeched the Empress.

The crowd of minions behind the boys seemed to shrink back from the Master's fury.

"Can you believe this; these bloodthirsty Goths actually take orders from this Looney Tune. This Empress guy is a whole cheeseburger short of a McDonalds Happy Meal" grinned Lister.

"I wet my pants over you because I thought I'd be facing a real scary villain but just look at you. You're the most disappointing villain since General Grievous. All that built up for nothing, not to mention you just appearing at the last minute. Who do you think you are Venom" complained Rimmer?

"Also bud your fashion sense is worse than Laundry Chute Nostrils over there. Just look at you, a guy like you should be wearing a sharp suit not a little black dress. Lister has a better chance of pulling off that little number, he have a better cleavage" advised the Cat.

"Cat I thought I told you I do not have man boobs there pecks" said Lister.

"Yeah right Lister and the Cat is smarter than a squashed apricot" smirked Rimmer.

The Empress seemed to have sent an unspoken message out to his minions because the crowd behind Lister, Kryten, Rimmer and the Cat were pushed to their knees in front of their monarch.

"I shall say this only once I am not a man; I am a woman in a man's body. Anyway who are you, you don't look like the usual rabble I get" said the Empress curiously.

The Empress walked up to the Cat first and seemed to sniff the air surrounding him.

"Hmmm you smell like a cat, I like cats" said the Empress.

"That Mr. Cat to you bud" said the Cat.

Behind him Lady Spektor wrapped a single hand around the Cats neck and slowly began to squeeze.

"On the other hand you seem like a nice guy Cat will do fine" said the Cat before all the air was squeezed out of his lungs,

The Empress moved over to Kryten and smiled revealing a shining set of fangs sharp enough to chew through steel.

"A mechanoid, I haven't seen you type in over a thousand year. I belief we hunted the last one down for sport. What are you mechanoid" asked the Empress?

"I am _Kryten_ 2X4B-523P, a Series 4000 mechanoid" stated Kryten.

"No 'sir', I thought all mechanoid's were supposed to call their superiors sir" asked the Empress?

"Because you're a smeeeeeeee heeeeeeeee" explained Kryten.

"A smee hee" asked the Empress?

"A completely and utter one" said Kryten.

The Empress deciding that the mechanoid must have blown a fuse he moved on to the Rimmer.

"Ah a Hologram, a Hard Light one if I'm not mistaken, what is your name" asked the Empress.

"Rimmer, Arnold J. Rimmer Commanding officer of the mining ship Red Dwarf" stated Rimmer performing his favourite salute.

"Oh a soldier, I like soldier's there fun to castrate" smirked the Empress and Rimmer winced.

The Empress moved on to the creature at the end of the line, a horrible creature smelling of motor oil and curry sauce. The Empress sniffed the area around the creature with the dreadlocks a more closely and discovered something that shocked even him.

"Your human, but that's impossible" said the Empress.


	8. Chapter 8

**Red Dwarf Uprising Chapter 07**

**Sorry for the long wait guys, please enjoy.**

**If you have any praise, criticisms or just a plain old comment, please review. **

Chapter 07 Origins, offers and Cat Poo

"I wouldn't call it impossible sir just merely improbably. When I last left the solar system the human race had spread across the galaxy. Earth was sending millions of colony ships out across the cosmos, how could all those humans just die out" asked Kryten curiosity overcoming his fear?

The Empress surprised at finding the last human and curious about the strange crew decided to humor the mechanoid.

"They didn't, the strings holding the humans together were cut. We lost contact with Earth and no more ships came to Earth-45. Without ships supplying us with needed provisions we were in danger of dying out. Since this planet was barren and years away from supporting life, we desperately need the terraforming equipment that never came from Earth".

"Desperate times called for desperate measures so our scientist's turned there ingenuity on themselves and genetic manipulation allowed us to became stronger and faster than ever before. We even learned how to break all the laws of gravity. Unfortunately there were some drawbacks to the process, such as our compulsion to indulge ourselves on human blood. Since none of us can feed on each other we came up with a neat solution to the problem of food. We each donated cells that we grew into human clones which we could feed on when the clones has matured and so the Empire of Blood was born" explained The Empress standing imperiously over the crew or as imperiously as a man in a dress could be.

"You mean that bloke we met in the street; Derek.K is an escaped clone of one of these Smeggers" said Lister in shock.

"I've heard of people losing there lunch but I've never heard of the lunch trying to lose you" commented Rimmer his nostrils flared in disgust.

"Your right Mr. Rimmer to these creatures Derek.K is nothing but processed food. I estimate to survive the Empire would have to go through five clones a day" guessed Kryten.

"Six actually Mechanoid" commented Lady Spektor lazily.

"Oh well a cat's got to eat and to these people these clone thingy's are the mouse" said the Cat not understanding the situation.

"There not food, there sentient creatures, you saw Derek. These monsters treat them like cattle and force them to live like animals" ranted Lister.

Dave Lister maybe the biggest slob in the universe but he had a strong moral base. An on finding these monsters angered him to his core which was even enough to overcome most of his fear. While Kryten curiosity driving him to keep asking questions.

"But in a society where everyone has great power it's impossible to for one person to stay in control. How did you accomplish it" asked Kryten?

The Empress smiled like a wolf staring over a pump sheep.

"Every Immortal is telepathically connected to me; I can hear and manipulate every thought in my Empire. Also my people feel everything I feel, so if I get feel any pain or any bit of discomfort so will my Immortals" explained the Empress

"You know, you remind me of my old next door neighbor, the crazy cat lady. Every time me or my brothers would hurt her cats she would throw cat poo at us in retaliation" said Rimmer.

"Yuck my mother used to do that to me every time I put on a new suit" commented the Cat.

Ignoring the cat poo the Empress gave an evil grin and as a result all the other Immortal's grinned inanely.

"I'm about to make you an offer human" declared the Empress.

"It's Lister, Dave Lister and let me guess it's an offer I can not refuse" retorted Lister.

"Lister, he's a raving mad, man eating, vampiric transvestite, of course it's an offer you can't refuse. If you do we all become Chok Sui" said Rimmer.

"Mr. Lister how would you like to join our ranks and become a god. Share your knowledge of space travel and help the Empire spread through out the cosmos" offered the Empress.

Listed looked like he was about to throw his offer back in the Empress's face but changed his mind. Lister got to his feet, his mischievous ferret grin pasted across his face.

"Alright then you can turn me into an Immortal, but first I want to prove how strong you are. Nah I don't think you could do it, it's quite impossible, I reckon nobody could do what I'm thinking right now" commented Lister.

The Empress strode forward until he was standing a meter away from Lister.

"Spit it out dick face before I rip of your family jewels and feed them to you" threatened the Empress.

"You better tell him bud; it's very unfashionable to be missing your balls. Trust me, just look at Rimmer, his mother took his" said the Cat.

Rimmer gave him a dirty look, which the Cat ignored

"Alright then since you're so powerful and almighty, I such want to see if you can you touch your toes" asked Lister in a mock challenge.

"Ha is that all watch this" said the Empress.

The Empress bent over and touched his toes, it was then Lister took his chance.

When the Empress bent over Lister could see even through his dress a pair of jockey shorts. Lister grabbed the Empress's underpants and yanked them up as far as they would go, yelling.

"WEDGE"!

Immortals were many things but invulnerable or immune from pain they were not. So when Lister yanked the Empress's jockey shorts past his stomach the Empress fell to the ground writhing in pain.

An since the Empress felt pain, every other Immortals in the Underworld felt like they were getting a wedge. So as a result every Immortal in the Underworld was on the ground writhing in pain. Lister didn't wait for the Immortal's to recover, he sprint past the surprised Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat who were still on there knee's.

"Leg it guy's! Leg it" yelled Lister sprinting for the door!

Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat didn't need anymore prompting; they got up and sprinted after Lister.


End file.
